i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
