Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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