I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
