Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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