In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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