first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
