Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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