She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
