I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize