You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
