Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
