The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
