I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
