Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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