4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
