i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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