Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize