DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
