So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am naked and annoyed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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