The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
