Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
