Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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