I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
