your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize