Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
