Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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