You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
