I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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