You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
