Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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