Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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