Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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