I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize