this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize