I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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