I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
