Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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