i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
