my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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