There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
false alarm, still single
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize