Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
