Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize