Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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