what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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