she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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