best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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