This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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