When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
