I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
