I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I got inside last night via doggy door
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
