I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
