During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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