Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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