So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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