I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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