dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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