Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
