I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
