Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
