Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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