I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Randomize
