Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
