I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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