if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
