think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
